there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
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