I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
