So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
