She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
