She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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