Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
