Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
