Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
