Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
