sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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