If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
