I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
