You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
