The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
