You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
