a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
