The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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