Fine. I'll sleep in my office
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
