I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
soo... how was my night?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
