lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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