oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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