riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
