Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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