Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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