Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
me + whiskey = a bad person
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Randomize
