The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
