Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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