Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I could have mohawked her pubes.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
