"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
