I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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