how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
