The maid of honor just puked.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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