guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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