Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
