She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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