: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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