Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
