Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
