Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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