This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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