we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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