I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
