I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
