Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
