I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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