this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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