I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
