I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
