Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
