At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
